The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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