My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
