Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're a waste of cheezeits
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
