She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
