my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
