They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
