I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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