I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
