if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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