I just pynch a tree in the face
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
