you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Barsexuality is the new black.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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