Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit