theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
