I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school