If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me