Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
