distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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