so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
