I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
