I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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