His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
