She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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