Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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