i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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