Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
