All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
