The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
should my penis look like a turkey
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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