We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
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the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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