ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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