HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
