You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
