dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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