I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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