remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
