drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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