Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My bed smells like the plague
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