I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
