Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
