sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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