How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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