i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
