Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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