I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
