The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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