why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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