she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
