Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
