my being single is dangerous.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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