my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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