So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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