i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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