We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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