I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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