he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just found a bag of teeth...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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