So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
