I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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