Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
