I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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