Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
