I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
