i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
