maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
