Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
