she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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