so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
